Or have I already lost it? I think the bad rainy, overcast, foggy shitty-a$$ weather has completely caught up with me. Or maybe its the fact that I haven’t exercised in nearly two weeks. I feel so blah – blah, blah, blah! I’ve been feeling so shitty (and lonely) that today I actually yelled at Sierra for crying (she was tired and ready for her morning nap). It kind of went like this:
“Why the F are you always crying kid? Grow up! What do you think you are? A Baby?”
Of course she responded by crying harder. I’m a horrible, terrible, no-good mother. A mother who seriously needs a break. How could I yell at my baby like that?
I remember how good it made me feel this past summer to get out and play softball every Monday night at 9 pm. You know, once Sierra was all snug in her bed and sleeping soundly, when I didn’t have to worry about how she would be fed ’cause I knew she wouldn’t wake up and need to be fed. I really need to get back to that – doing something just for me once a week. I’ve gotten away from it ’cause leaving her during the day was too stressful. I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself because I felt too guilty for having fun while my baby and her daddy were struggling with a bottle while I was gone.
I need to let go of the guilt – I need to realize that having a happy, healthy mommy is equally important to me and to Sierra. And by leaving once a week to do what I love most (running) I think I can achieve that. Also – by leaving Sierra and Daddy to fend for themselves every week, I’m sure that their struggles will become greatly reduced and I’d feel less and less guilty for leaving them, right? Alright – now how do I convince daddy and Sierra of this? How do I put this plan into action?
NOTE: After yelling at her I quickly calmed down, rocked Sierra in her rocking chair, and softly sang her nap-time song. She responded by cozying up to me and fell asleep. No babies were hurt.