Am I Losing It?

Or have I already lost it? I think the bad rainy, overcast, foggy shitty-a$$ weather has completely caught up with me. Or maybe its the fact that I haven’t exercised in nearly two weeks. I feel so blah – blah, blah, blah! I’ve been feeling so shitty (and lonely) that today I actually yelled at Sierra for crying (she was tired and ready for her morning nap). It kind of went like this:

“Why the F are you always crying kid? Grow up! What do you think you are? A Baby?”

Of course she responded by crying harder. I’m a horrible, terrible, no-good mother. A mother who seriously needs a break. How could I yell at my baby like that?

I remember how good it made me feel this past summer to get out and play softball every Monday night at 9 pm. You know, once Sierra was all snug in her bed and sleeping soundly, when I didn’t have to worry about how she would be fed ’cause I knew she wouldn’t wake up and need to be fed. I really need to get back to that – doing something just for me once a week. I’ve gotten away from it ’cause leaving her during the day was too stressful. I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself because I felt too guilty for having fun while my baby and her daddy were struggling with a bottle while I was gone.

I need to let go of the guilt – I need to realize that having a happy, healthy mommy is equally important to me and to Sierra. And by leaving once a week to do what I love most (running) I think I can achieve that. Also – by leaving Sierra and Daddy to fend for themselves every week, I’m sure that their struggles will become greatly reduced and I’d feel less and less guilty for leaving them, right? Alright – now how do I convince daddy and Sierra of this? How do I put this plan into action?

NOTE: After yelling at her I quickly calmed down, rocked Sierra in her rocking chair, and softly sang her nap-time song. She responded by cozying up to me and fell asleep. No babies were hurt.

7 thoughts on “Am I Losing It?

  1. It certainly sounds like you need a break.
    Can you chat with the hubby or other family and get a couple hours to take off, catch an exercise class or something?
    Don’t suffer in silence. We all need breaks, especially the 24-hour a day job of being a new mommie!

  2. Good for you for talking about your feelings. I think it takes enormous amounts of patience to be a Mom – even at the best of times. Maybe we should pick a lunch day every week / 2 weeks / month (whatever works for you) and the 2 of you can come over and you can hop on my treadmill while I watch the kiddies? I know its not getting out – but it’s something different. Or we can rent a movie while they play? Not sure how much of the movie we’d see – but it’s something. Even if you wanted to drop Sierra off and take a quick run. I know that might be hard – it would be for me anyway – almost like we’re damned if we do/damned if we don’t – we want the freedom but it’s hard to relinquish responsibility when we know we are the best at looking after our own kids. Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice without a vehicle. Agghhh! So, I hear ya sista. 😥
    Anyway – just some thoughts. You know where to find me. 😀

  3. We have all been there. I have totally “lost it” and regreted taking my frustrations out on Becca :( I agree you need something for you. I have cherished my blog and web design because it is my adult thing to do. Keep trying the sippy cup, and just think it will not be long before Sierra will be old enough to be more independent!

  4. Welcome to parenthood. Nothing says that better than arguing with your child who:
    1) Can’t understand you
    2)Can’t tell you what’s wrong
    3) Proceeds to cry harder

    Trust me, we have ALL been there even if some will never admit it. it’s very healthy (and brave, I might ad) that you post it here. Communicating it is one of the best things that will help you rememdy the situation.

    One of my wife’s mentors says “If there is something wrong or bothering you, fix it” I can sense that running is something that you used to do and now has vansihed from your daily list. You need to fix that. Not being able to run after Ryan was born really affected me and I had the luxury of changing my lunch time to be able to run at lunch. I don’t get as many miles in, but I do get to run with an occasional race on a weekend.

    You need to change whatever it is that is not working for you with leaving CosmoBoy and CosmoBaby together for part of a day. Not to knock CosmoBoy, but how often does he leave the house (whether to do something fun or just to go to work) when you and CosmoBaby are in a less than orderly state? Does he feel guilty if CosmoBaby doesn’t have a good day at the house? I’m guessing not. I’m sure he feels for you and Sierra, but is there truly guilt that he was out of situation when it happened? Work is my Sanctuary from the kids, but I am responsible for about everything (except the breastfeeding) when I get home.

    YOU shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving for what 4-6 hours a week? Unless you have some deep gut feeling that if you leave the two of them together that pandemonium will ensue. If not, get out there and run! In fact, it’s your right to be baby and house free once in a while. Sierra is going to have to learn that she is going to have to be more flexible with feedings, else she has ALREADY won. You’ll always have to be by her side.

    The best thing for you is to make it a routine. You’ll know when you are going to run. It won’t be a surprise for CosmoBoy and CosmoBaby will get used to the fact that there is another Cosmos out there for Mommy and it is in the world of running! You might even consider two times a week. Once on the weekend and another in the evening during the week, that might be a little much upfront but something you can work toward.

  5. You’re not a horrible mother, it happens to all of us at sometime or another. You just have to stop everything and calm yourself down. If need be, just let her cry for a few minutes and go sit yourself in another room. Sometimes babies are just sick and tired of us – believe it or not. I’ve had times where everything I did for E caused him to cry harder until I just sat him down and walked away, and then he just went to sleep. It’s weird.

  6. Hope you can get some “me time”. Rose usualyy cries when I leave her with DH – even when I’m just in the next room cooking. I used to be able to go out after her bedtime too, but now she wakes up soon after we put her down, so I can’t.

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