I finally have had it. I haven’t had a break from the kids (specifically Brookie) since she was born. Well – her first day of life was pretty good – she slept for 6 hours straight while I relaxed in bed, had dinner in bed and watched "Flip That House" for several hours ALL BY MY SELF! But is that really a break when your va-va is bruised, and swollen and recovering from a 2nd degree tear and you’re far too macho to even ask for a tylenol, never mind an epidural? Yeah – I think it doesn’t count as a break either.
Anyways, tonight I was an awful no good crappy-arse mom. Poor Baby Brookie. She paid the price for it. Softball started last week but our 1st early game is in 2 weeks, and I go back to work in 8 weeks, and Brooke only naps for 40 min twice a day, and sleeps only in 2 hour intervals at night…. so I had the bright idea to begin sleep training…. Let’s just say it didn’t go well….
After our usual bath, Brooke said goodnight to Sierra and Daddy. Then I put her in her sleep sack (Grobag). I nursed and rocked her to sleepy, but not asleep. I put her in her crib and Brooke sleepily pushes herself up to sitting and begins playing with her activity centre. I said "Goodnight Brookie, time for sleep". I kissed her and walked out. This is where all hell breaks loose. Brooke begins wailing but I kept on walking – right out of her room. I sat in my room for 5 minutes listening to her cry. Not just any cry either. A cry like I hurt her in the worst possible way. This horrible gawd awful scream. After 5 min I went in her room and she stopped crying immediately and put her arms out to me. I picked her up, cuddled her for a minute, then put her back in her bed, I said "Goodnight Brookie, time for sleep", kissed her and walked out AGAIN! This time I left for 10 min. She wailed – oh how she wailed. And then I heard it – a sound I’ve heard Sierra do before – she cried until she puked. Lovely. Off I trekked to her room, realized that it was thankfully only a little bit of spitup and it managed to only land on her blankie – nothing on her, and nothing on her bed. Yippee! I felt bad enough, so I picked her up and nursed her off to sleep. Yay! Asleep! FINALLY! But then, then I sniffed… Sniff… Sniff… She pooped. So upset she pooped. (Or maybe that’s why she couldn’t fall asleep? ‘Cause she had to take a dump? Then had a crappy diaper?). Whatever – now she’s fast asleep with a poopy diaper and a killer diaper rash from her butt scooting so I couldn’t just let her sleep in it. I let her sleep for 10 min then changed her diaper. Thankfully she stayed asleep.
I feel abso-f-ing-lutely horrible. My poor happy-go-lucky baby cried until she pooped and puked. Because I? I am so so so so so selfish! I want to play softball this summer, I want to go back to work in 8 weeks, I want to occasionally go out – maybe to dinner with my hubby, maybe out to scrapbook with some girlfriends. Who knows! I just want to occasionally not be home to nurse her to sleep – or back to sleep 6 times a night. I don’t mind continuing to nurse her, I just want to occasionally go out. But I can’t. I can’t make her cry – I hate it – oh how I hate it! I don’t want to leave her upset – I want her to be able to accept being put to bed by daddy, or Oma, or Grandma. And I want to be the one to teach her to accept help form others. I want to teach her how to fall asleep by herself. I want to teach her to take a bottle by offering it to her once a day. But so far? This plan of mine is not working.
So, dear internet, what should I do? How do I overcome this? How do we get Brooke to occasionally go to bed with minimal crying (’cause I realize there will be some crying) for someone other than me? How do I get her ready to start daycare in 8 weeks from now?