Blowing Away The Clouds of Depression

Since January 2008 my brain has been what I can only describe as “foggy, grey and cloudy”. For months I’ve been:

  • Having difficulty falling asleep & anxious
  • Unable to concentrate on anything (easily distracted)
  • Having a hard time motivating myself to do anything – getting dressed, brushing my teeth, cleaning the house etc. have all taken an insane amount of internal pep talk to get done.
  • And I’ve generally lacked passion for life, choosing instead to hide from the world in my laptop.

Although I haven’t been to a doctor, I wouldn’t be surprised if these symptoms are depression. I haven’t discussed this with anyone. Why? Shame? Fear? Lack of understanding? I don’t know. It’s not like a cold, where coughing, body aches and a sniffly nose tell me definitely that I have a cold. This depression thing is different – its not like you wake up and say “Hey! I’m depressed – I need to go take a pill to feel better”. Though I’m sure pills would help, but to be honest I’m not into that.

I’ve always been the type of person who has difficulty asking for help. My mom wrote in my baby book that my favourite words were “Juris do it” (I couldn’t say Janice yet, but already at a young age I was independent). So writing this post is hard, admitting to my feelings is hard.

I want to FINALLY blow away the clouds in my head that are preventing me from accomplishing anything and I’m ready to begin writing about this journey. I want to start living my life again, be passionate about my life, family and work. I want to be in the moment with my kids, not on the outside “observing” as that how its felt over the past year.

But I just don’t know how to get from where I am to where I want to go.

Today was a beautiful sunny day – I packed my golf clubs in my car and made arrangements with a friend at work to go to a driving range and hit some balls. It was awesome!

Tonight I wanted to lace up my runners and take the dog for run after the kids went to bed – but I’m “too tired”.  I’ve sat down and written this post instead.

Tomorrow is another day – I’m going to face it rested and ready to run.

I’m on my way back, but its going to be a slow road to recovery. Will you be there with me on this road? Will you push me up when I fall down? I don’t think I can do this myself anymore.

12 thoughts on “Blowing Away The Clouds of Depression

    1. Thanks Leanne. How’d you know I was going to have blogger’s remorse? I am sooooo fighting the urge to click “delete”,

  1. Following the birth of my second baby I was in rough shape….for months it was bad. Its not like I didn’t know I needed help, I realized how bad off I was….the problem was I didn’t know how to tell anyone what I was feeling. I’ll never forget finally going to see my midwife and have a cry fest with the nurse….she understood, she had been there. Trying to talk to my midwife was pointless, but finding someone sympathetic made a world a difference and helped me find the help I needed (and actually still need….).

    I hope you find what works for you…whether it be a person or a routine or just some good weather….(((HUGS)))

    Lizs last blog post..May Day Giveaway

  2. I never told you this but I had a bout with depression when I was about the same age as you are now; maybe a bit older. I had trouble falling asleep and lacked motivation to do anything. I finally realized that I had to get out of the funk I was in as it was starting to affect my day to day life. I did not go to a doctor but made sure I spent some alone time to do the things I enjoyed doing. I would say that it was a very mild case and was due to the fact that I lacked self esteem and did not have much interaction with other adults at the time. It was in the winter and once spring arrived and I spent more time outside in the sun, I could feel myself starting to feel better about myself. So, yes, get out there and run – I`m sure you need it and I`m sure you will feel better again. If not, don`t be ashamed to ask for help. That`s what doctors are for.

    Omas last blog post..Mojo Monday 82

  3. I hope you get the help that you need. It’s hard as moms to know what is normal for energy levels. Are you tired because you’ve got kids to look after by yourself and you work or is something deeper.

    I myself am used to being tired due to school and am now trying to figure out what my normal energy/motivation levels are.

    Kellys last blog post..My Cousin’s Wedding/ Our Date

  4. You know yourself better than anyone else, but are you sure you’re not just burnt out? It happens to all of us but you’re particularly susceptible if you’ve been juggling work and two young kids with a husband who is away on business trips every so often.
    Ask for help, take some time off if you can. Sometimes you need to recharge your batteries and just do things for yourself.

  5. Yup, that does sound a lot like depression. But you can’t diagnose it yourself or get your friends to do it over the Internet.

    The first step is to acknowledge something isn’t right. You’ve done that. Now the next step is to see a doctor about it. Maybe it’s clinical depression; maybe it isn’t. And the doctor will be able to help you figure out what to do about it. Maybe it’s drugs, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s spending more time whacking golf balls with a friend, maybe it’s getting out and running in the sun.

    Big hugs – you have a bunch of people here all wishing you the best.

  6. Great job in acknowledging something is wrong – and as Steve/Ouburst have noted, get some help, get time for yourself, and for some peace of mind, find out if it is depression, hormones, burnout, etc.

    I’m right there with ya lady…I think this is part of the reason I’ve neglected my blog(s) – but I was sick of feeling this way and talked to the doctor and naturopath (I hate pills). Doctor told me I’m juggling too much and to take time for me (Naturopath concurred). Doc said there are two ways to do it, relaxation via yoga, etc or venting via kickboxing – he thinks I’m a kickboxer type GRIN but seriously exercise and “me time” helps.

    Katherine C.s last blog post..Beware Food Network cravings..

  7. Just dropping by to check in on you. Um, I knew you’d want to delete this because I always want to delete anything that I write that hits too close to home, I think it’s human nature. I think we’re too afraid of being judged by others that it often stops us from being honest. I’m agreeing with a lot of the comments I read here, but I know when I was down after I had my second child I wouldn’t tell or see a Dr. I was too proud. How’s that for silly? Sigh.

    Leannes last blog post..Make me? I can do that.

  8. Hi – hope you are doing well and making progress. Good luck – being depressed/burnt out is a hard place to be and a hard place to get out of, especially when it seems no one around you can quite understand what’s going on or think you will just ‘snap out of it’.
    Listening to ‘The Right Stuff’ should help put a smile on your face – even for just a little bit!

  9. Only just found this post. Depression is all too real, but I think people that have never experienced it can find it hard to understand. Facing up to it and admitting that there’s something wrong is a great first step. Getting physical exerecise, like with your running, is a very good idea too. I hope the cloud lifts soon.

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