Since January 2008 my brain has been what I can only describe as “foggy, grey and cloudy”. For months I’ve been:
- Having difficulty falling asleep & anxious
- Unable to concentrate on anything (easily distracted)
- Having a hard time motivating myself to do anything – getting dressed, brushing my teeth, cleaning the house etc. have all taken an insane amount of internal pep talk to get done.
- And I’ve generally lacked passion for life, choosing instead to hide from the world in my laptop.
Although I haven’t been to a doctor, I wouldn’t be surprised if these symptoms are depression. I haven’t discussed this with anyone. Why? Shame? Fear? Lack of understanding? I don’t know. It’s not like a cold, where coughing, body aches and a sniffly nose tell me definitely that I have a cold. This depression thing is different – its not like you wake up and say “Hey! I’m depressed – I need to go take a pill to feel better”. Though I’m sure pills would help, but to be honest I’m not into that.
I’ve always been the type of person who has difficulty asking for help. My mom wrote in my baby book that my favourite words were “Juris do it” (I couldn’t say Janice yet, but already at a young age I was independent). So writing this post is hard, admitting to my feelings is hard.
I want to FINALLY blow away the clouds in my head that are preventing me from accomplishing anything and I’m ready to begin writing about this journey. I want to start living my life again, be passionate about my life, family and work. I want to be in the moment with my kids, not on the outside “observing” as that how its felt over the past year.
But I just don’t know how to get from where I am to where I want to go.
Today was a beautiful sunny day – I packed my golf clubs in my car and made arrangements with a friend at work to go to a driving range and hit some balls. It was awesome!
Tonight I wanted to lace up my runners and take the dog for run after the kids went to bed – but I’m “too tired”. I’ve sat down and written this post instead.
Tomorrow is another day – I’m going to face it rested and ready to run.
I’m on my way back, but its going to be a slow road to recovery. Will you be there with me on this road? Will you push me up when I fall down? I don’t think I can do this myself anymore.