Mom On The Run

Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

I thought I could do it.  I thought this solo-parenting stint would be different.  I thought I could keep the clouds and fog from rolling in.  I developed a network of running buddies.  I would get out to run on my lunches. I planned out healthy meals – I prepared them a week ahead of time & froze them so I wouldn’t have to cook.  Or be stressed. Or eat unhealthy depression causing processed foods.  I gave up coffee – also known to cause depression.  I planned fun family outings:

Sun – fun swim
Mon – swimming lessons
Tues – stay home & Skype daddy (hubby)
Wed – McDonald’s playland, Skype daddy
Thurs – fun swim? Skype daddy?
Fri – Dinner with Oma & Opa
Sat – indoor playground? relax, clean up the tornado of solo-parenting aftermath, wait for daddy

I really really thought I could do this. I followed my plan.  I got out to run.  I ate healthy.

But an email came that shook my foundation, my strength, my courage and self-confidence.  “Honey, I’ll be home next week, but the week after I have to go away again.” I crumbled into tears.  When will this end?  How can I continue to be strong?  When can we be a family again?  Will it ever happen?  Am I waiting for a ship that will never set sail?

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My goodness!  What a difference a week makes!  Now that I’ve fully recovered from my cracked ribs from my fall, I’m back running regularly again.  I’m amazed at what a difference being active is making on my outlook on life.  Weren’t my posts from October, November and December so depressing?  Holy crap!  I was such a downer – no wonder no one called me, no one else wanted to be brought down!  But I’m back now! 

Work is busy – it’s so awesome!  I love being busy, setting To Do lists, and game plans to accomplish all of my work.  My running is really helping with my feelings of being alert too.  My body is in pain (delayed onset muscle soreness – DOMS), but I like to think of it as the pain of fat melting away.  A gentle pain is good – it tells me my workouts have been hard enough to illicit an adaptive response.  The running has motivated me to eat better too – recovering from my workouts is so hard without the right fuel – I can tell when I haven’t eaten well enough, or rested enough by my running pace.  And my house… is cleaner!  I have more energy and motivation to clean!  The surprising part is that planning and preparation actually leaves me with MORE computer time.  I love my evening computer time – with the exception of Glee, I don’t watch TV.  I hate sports announcers yelling at me, whiny families mis-treating each other, reality shows have lost their appeal… The list goes on.  My favourite shows were the reality shows that had people preparing for an athletic event – the trials and tribulations of training – something I can totally relate to and I haven’t come across too many of them lately.

So I’m starting my own little virtual reality show…. I’m going to be coaching a virtual “Learn-to-Run” program.  My intended audience and participants are the Mamavation Moms from www.bookieboo.com but I’ll set it up so you can also follow along through my health and fitness blog www.lazymama.com if you so choose. I haven’t decided if it’s best run as an email newsletter to participants, or as a forum, a combo of both or what.  Maybe a Learn-to-Run Ning community?  I dunno – I want to find a way to implement it that really minimizes the technical work required to run it, freeing up time to spend motivating and educating.  I have to research the technical side of things before I set it all up.  Basically I want to inspire people and since I love running, and know running and have a Kinesiology degree, what better way is there for me to inspire?  I love the enthusiasm of beginner runners – watching their surprise as they learn what their bodies are capable of doing.  It’s amazing!  Watching Chelle discover running last year was really inspiring. In her words… Woot! Woot!

So yeah – that’s what’s going on with me…

In other news: My mom is doing WAY better!  She’s still in the hospital but is out of critical care and is now in a ward.  She called me from her cell phone that my dad had brought in to her.  Apparently they don’t have patient phones?  I think my dad is just too cheap to pay for the patient phone He didn’t want to pay $0.50 to leave a message on my voicemail from the payphone when my mom was admitted, and instead had my Aunt call me.  LOL!  This apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree… Anyways – my mom and I had a good conversation but she had to stop to catch her breath a few times. Pneumonia is NASTY!  But in a way it’s been good because she hasn’t had a cigarette since Friday and she’s even talking about quitting smoking!!  Which is awesome and I totally support her.  After seeing her on Sunday I truly believe that the Lord didn’t give her a warning, he gave her a second chance.  I really want to support her in any lifestyle changes she decides to make as a result of all of this.

Gosh – I don’t know how to conclude this post – conclusions and closures are always something I have a hard time with.  I hate sayign goodbye at parties – I often just leave.  Not because I don’t want to wish my friends well – it just seems so pessimistic, here’s a hug goodbye in case I never see you again… I don’t like saying goodbye – that’s what funerals are for.  So don’t look for good conlusions and closures on posts, ‘cause you won’t find them J

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This past week has been very stressful and challenging for my husband and I. My husband’s mom has Cancer. She had a hysterectomy in June, began Chemo in August, finished chemo in November and has now begun 6-8 wks of daily radiation. Two weeks ago she lost her balance, fell and spent a week in the hospital so my hubby went up to Ottawa, ON to visit her for 5 days and I got to spend yet another period of solo-parenting. What does this have to do with Christmas stress? Well 1/2 way his 6 hr drive back home my hubby’s engine blew. Gone – according to the Mazda dealership in Belleville he brought it into. A $6 grand expense we just hadn’t planned for with our 3 yr old car.

After hubby’s car ordeal I decided to take my truck in for some routine maintenance that ended up costing us $300 (oil change, engine flush, air filter, cabin air filter etc…). It was a good thing I brought it in because it was discovered that the cabin air filter was missing – not clogged and dirty – missing, as in never ever there. A cabin air filter filters dust, debris and emissions from other cars. They should be replaced every year, but I think this was the first time mine has been checked in the 7 yrs we’ve owned the truck. My routine maintenance has saved my life. Every day because I had no cabin air filter I’ve been sucking in carbon monoxide from the traffic I’ve been sitting in for an hour to and an hour from work each day. I’ve felt light headed, foggy, headachy and have been having an incredibly hard time focussing and functioning at work. Every night I’ve been exhausted – falling into bed most nights when the kids went to bed. I’ve had no energy to do anything – gaining weight, eating poorly, drinking a million coffees everyday and not exercising. I’ve felt amazing over the past week being off from work and not driving in my truck.

Unfortunately being home this week with our dog has brought to our attention that she’s sick. She’s a 10 yr old rottweiler that we rescued when she was 1 yr old – she’s trained for several marathons and 1/2 marathons with me over the years and has kept me company through 2 maternity leaves. Molly has been having bladder control problems that have been controlled by a weekly estrogen pill. WIth everything going on over the past 3 months hubby and I forgot to give her her pills – Molly has been leaking on her doggie bed. No big deal right? Just wash her doggie bed and give the dog her hormone pills. It’s not so simple because her pee spots are tainted red – she has blood in her urine. Yesterday and today I took her out for a run and when she peed on the grass her pee was dark red – almost pure blood. Molly’s kidney’s are failing and because of our car expenses we’re not sure what to do – we can barely afford a regular physical for her, never mind extensive tests, medications, surgery or even euthanasia for her. Hubby is bringing her to the vet tonight at 5 pm.

With worrying about my MIL, the dog, our cars and the normal Christmas stresses of cleaning, baking and wrapping I’ve been an emotional eating mess. I ate ALL the chocolate turtles + 2 other boxes of chocolate – arrgh! Yesterday and today I tried to redeem myself by running. According to my Nike + I ran 3.93km yesterday and 3.75km today (though both days I ran the exact same route).

Tomorrow (or tonight) we hope to pack up the car to head to trek up to Ottawa to see my MIL for Christmas. Though with everything going on it would make more sense to stay home with the sick dog, I just couldn’t live with myself if she took a bad turn and we missed out on seeing her at Christmas. I’m going to bring my running gear and try to eat as healthy as possible – though that’s always hard when being away from home. Here’s to a better week next week!

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I don’t even know where to start with this post. What I do know is that I have a ton of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head about yesterday’s very heartfelt and honest post – this post may be a an extention of that one so read on if you dare….

When my hubby travels I miss him – I miss him so much that I mourn him. Apparently I love him very very much. I say apparently because when he’s around I don’t really notice how much I love him, but when he’s gone I do notice. It’s really the only way to explain how down in the dumps I feel when he’s away. It’s funny that way isn’t it? When our hubbies are around we hate them for being so lazy, unhelpful etc… but when they’re gone you truly figure out how helpful they are and how much you miss their companionship.

Yeah so that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I’m in mourning.

Everyone thinks I need help with the kids. But really they’re awesome – totally awesome. They are so used to my hubby’s travelling that they are very helpful. Yes – they’re a lot of work, but we’re so settled into a routine that looking after them is the easy part. Dealing with the loneliness, mourning and feelings of being abandoned is the hard part. That’s the part that no one understands. Dinners are when I feel the most low. It’s so hard to eat a third meal in the day without adult campanionship. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because before kids and before my hubby started travelling a lot he and I bonded quite a bit over our dinners out? (I really wish we had saved that money instead but hindsight is twenty-twenty now isn’t it?). Not having any free time to explore my hobbies (running, fitness, scrapbooking, shopping) is also hard. So the combination of stress, loneliness and lack of free time turns my brain to grey cloudy skies.

It’s the clouds that keep me from reaching out. They interfere with rational thought processes. I really don’t know how to ask for help because I don’t need someone to pick up milk, go get gas for my car or anything. I need someone to be my friend. Yanno – randomly stop by to say “Hi” with chocolate of course because a good friend knows that chocolate cake, or chocolate chip cookies makes everything better.

I’m slowly sorting myself out.. Doing stuff to help myself, yanno? Doing the stuff that would make me forget about being lonely when the hubs is away. Joining clubs and getting into a regular routine. Spending an evening/week doing something for myself and hiring a babysitter to watch the kids when the hubs is away. I think that’ll help. I’ll feel better in so many ways… I’m thinking of getting a treadmill, and training for a half marathon with a Running Room training clinic. I’ve already done a ridiculous number of half marathons so I totally know what I’m getting myself into.

Sigh – this stuff is so hard. Loneliness is hard. I love my girls but they’re still little – not really best friend material…. yet. I know they will be one day, but for now I’m their mother.

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I have a million titles for this blog post:

• The World Can Suck It
• Eat Shit & Die
• Fuck the Hell Off and Leave Me the Fuck Alone

(Ok, maybe just three other titles, not a million). You get the point.

I’m done with my hubby travelling all the time for work. Actually – no – that part is ok. That’s not what really bothers me. What really bothers me are all the people who say “I don’t know how you do it…” and leave it at that. Yeah, thanks – that’s helpful.

I just wish there were more resources for somewhat single parents like me whose spouses travel a lot for work. He travels so much it’s like having sole custody where he’s allowed periodic supervised visitation. He’s been gone 4 of the past 8 weeks, and the 4 weeks he was home he rarely made it home before 8 pm, worked from home after the kids went to bed and kicked me out of the basement for conference calls. He’s worn out from the work too – there’s nothing left of him to share with me after he gives everything he has to work and the kids.

I get the shaft and he gets recognition and rewards from work. He gets the hockey tickets, the pat on the back etc… He gets to eat in restaurants, he gets to eat exotic things I can’t even pronounce and see the world (or at least a lot of different airports). (Oh! Hi Hubby’s work who reads my blog). What the fuck do I get? A box of Macaroni and Cheese that I had to “cook” myself. Kids crying that they don’t want to eat, running around or sticking their fingers in my food. I’m the one picking up the pieces. Consoling sad kids because daddy isn’t there to play with them, tuck them in and cuddle. Being the one the kids yell at for daddy not being home because they really don’t have anyone else to yell at. I’m the one who’s responsible for making sure the kids wear their pj’s on jammie day, bring their silly hat to school and do their homework. I keep groceries in the house, plan the meals, feed the kids, dress them, chauffeur them to school, daycare, swimming etc….

I haven’t had vacation in a long time because I use it all to care for sick kids ’cause no one else is around to care for them. By the time Hubby’s work lets him take his vacation I have none left to spend with him. Not that it would matter because they take his vacation away from him anyways, so I’d just end up with a day by myself.

Nobody cares about me. No one comes over to see me. No one calls me to talk to me. No one takes me out for dinner, or offers to give me a break so I can go to the gym, run, or just fucking hide in a Starbuck’s with my laptop boyfriend. Anyone who calls wants to know how the kids are doing – they’re fine but I’m not and no one fucking cares. This life sucks. I don’t want to ask for help because that’s not the same as someone caring enough to offer. I want to feel special like someone gives a fucking damn about me. But they don’t. I hate this life. I hate everyone.  I feel abondoned and I’ve stopped reaching out because I keep hoping someone will reach out for me to show me they care. 

PS – Should I call my new blog Lazy Mama Fitness or Lazy Mama’s Guide to Fitness or The Lazy Mama’s Guide to Fitness?

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No – I don’t mean balance as in standing on one foot balance.  I mean Work/Life balance.  The balance between your job commitments and your life.  Life, yanno, as in the things you LIKE to do, not the stuff you’re paid to do.  How do you find balance between them?

It’s actually very important to take time for yourself every day.  In fact studies have shown that people who find balance between their work and their life sleep better, eat better and enjoy life more.  They have less stress – and having less stress means they live LONGER! 

This past weekend I found some time for my balance.   I took the kids to the park, spent some one-on-one time with my oldest daughter Sierra and I hung out with my BFF (sidekickgirl) at Donnie Wahlberg’s I GOT IT release party.  Here are some pics from the party:

My BFF and I	Donnie Wahlberg	Joey McIntyre (surprise guest)

It’s really important to your well being to take time to do stuff for yourself – so this week I encourage you to do something extra-special for yourself. 

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