Category Archives: Depression

Here Come The Clouds…

I thought I could do it.  I thought this solo-parenting stint would be different.  I thought I could keep the clouds and fog from rolling in.  I developed a network of running buddies.  I would get out to run on my lunches. I planned out healthy meals – I prepared them a week ahead of time & froze them so I wouldn’t have to cook.  Or be stressed. Or eat unhealthy depression causing processed foods.  I gave up coffee – also known to cause depression.  I planned fun family outings:

Sun – fun swim
Mon – swimming lessons
Tues – stay home & Skype daddy (hubby)
Wed – McDonald’s playland, Skype daddy
Thurs – fun swim? Skype daddy?
Fri – Dinner with Oma & Opa
Sat – indoor playground? relax, clean up the tornado of solo-parenting aftermath, wait for daddy

I really really thought I could do this. I followed my plan.  I got out to run.  I ate healthy.

But an email came that shook my foundation, my strength, my courage and self-confidence.  “Honey, I’ll be home next week, but the week after I have to go away again.” I crumbled into tears.  When will this end?  How can I continue to be strong?  When can we be a family again?  Will it ever happen?  Am I waiting for a ship that will never set sail?

I Feel Amazing Already

My goodness!  What a difference a week makes!  Now that I’ve fully recovered from my cracked ribs from my fall, I’m back running regularly again.  I’m amazed at what a difference being active is making on my outlook on life.  Weren’t my posts from October, November and December so depressing?  Holy crap!  I was such a downer – no wonder no one called me, no one else wanted to be brought down!  But I’m back now! 

Work is busy – it’s so awesome!  I love being busy, setting To Do lists, and game plans to accomplish all of my work.  My running is really helping with my feelings of being alert too.  My body is in pain (delayed onset muscle soreness – DOMS), but I like to think of it as the pain of fat melting away.  A gentle pain is good – it tells me my workouts have been hard enough to illicit an adaptive response.  The running has motivated me to eat better too – recovering from my workouts is so hard without the right fuel – I can tell when I haven’t eaten well enough, or rested enough by my running pace.  And my house… is cleaner!  I have more energy and motivation to clean!  The surprising part is that planning and preparation actually leaves me with MORE computer time.  I love my evening computer time – with the exception of Glee, I don’t watch TV.  I hate sports announcers yelling at me, whiny families mis-treating each other, reality shows have lost their appeal… The list goes on.  My favourite shows were the reality shows that had people preparing for an athletic event – the trials and tribulations of training – something I can totally relate to and I haven’t come across too many of them lately.

So I’m starting my own little virtual reality show…. I’m going to be coaching a virtual “Learn-to-Run” program.  My intended audience and participants are the Mamavation Moms from www.bookieboo.com but I’ll set it up so you can also follow along through my health and fitness blog www.lazymama.com if you so choose. I haven’t decided if it’s best run as an email newsletter to participants, or as a forum, a combo of both or what.  Maybe a Learn-to-Run Ning community?  I dunno – I want to find a way to implement it that really minimizes the technical work required to run it, freeing up time to spend motivating and educating.  I have to research the technical side of things before I set it all up.  Basically I want to inspire people and since I love running, and know running and have a Kinesiology degree, what better way is there for me to inspire?  I love the enthusiasm of beginner runners – watching their surprise as they learn what their bodies are capable of doing.  It’s amazing!  Watching Chelle discover running last year was really inspiring. In her words… Woot! Woot!

So yeah – that’s what’s going on with me…

In other news: My mom is doing WAY better!  She’s still in the hospital but is out of critical care and is now in a ward.  She called me from her cell phone that my dad had brought in to her.  Apparently they don’t have patient phones?  I think my dad is just too cheap to pay for the patient phone 😉 He didn’t want to pay $0.50 to leave a message on my voicemail from the payphone when my mom was admitted, and instead had my Aunt call me.  LOL!  This apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree… Anyways – my mom and I had a good conversation but she had to stop to catch her breath a few times. Pneumonia is NASTY!  But in a way it’s been good because she hasn’t had a cigarette since Friday and she’s even talking about quitting smoking!!  Which is awesome and I totally support her.  After seeing her on Sunday I truly believe that the Lord didn’t give her a warning, he gave her a second chance.  I really want to support her in any lifestyle changes she decides to make as a result of all of this.

Gosh – I don’t know how to conclude this post – conclusions and closures are always something I have a hard time with.  I hate sayign goodbye at parties – I often just leave.  Not because I don’t want to wish my friends well – it just seems so pessimistic, here’s a hug goodbye in case I never see you again… I don’t like saying goodbye – that’s what funerals are for.  So don’t look for good conlusions and closures on posts, ‘cause you won’t find them J

This Past Week…

This past week has been very stressful and challenging for my husband and I. My husband’s mom has Cancer. She had a hysterectomy in June, began Chemo in August, finished chemo in November and has now begun 6-8 wks of daily radiation. Two weeks ago she lost her balance, fell and spent a week in the hospital so my hubby went up to Ottawa, ON to visit her for 5 days and I got to spend yet another period of solo-parenting. What does this have to do with Christmas stress? Well 1/2 way his 6 hr drive back home my hubby’s engine blew. Gone – according to the Mazda dealership in Belleville he brought it into. A $6 grand expense we just hadn’t planned for with our 3 yr old car.

After hubby’s car ordeal I decided to take my truck in for some routine maintenance that ended up costing us $300 (oil change, engine flush, air filter, cabin air filter etc…). It was a good thing I brought it in because it was discovered that the cabin air filter was missing – not clogged and dirty – missing, as in never ever there. A cabin air filter filters dust, debris and emissions from other cars. They should be replaced every year, but I think this was the first time mine has been checked in the 7 yrs we’ve owned the truck. My routine maintenance has saved my life. Every day because I had no cabin air filter I’ve been sucking in carbon monoxide from the traffic I’ve been sitting in for an hour to and an hour from work each day. I’ve felt light headed, foggy, headachy and have been having an incredibly hard time focussing and functioning at work. Every night I’ve been exhausted – falling into bed most nights when the kids went to bed. I’ve had no energy to do anything – gaining weight, eating poorly, drinking a million coffees everyday and not exercising. I’ve felt amazing over the past week being off from work and not driving in my truck.

Unfortunately being home this week with our dog has brought to our attention that she’s sick. She’s a 10 yr old rottweiler that we rescued when she was 1 yr old – she’s trained for several marathons and 1/2 marathons with me over the years and has kept me company through 2 maternity leaves. Molly has been having bladder control problems that have been controlled by a weekly estrogen pill. WIth everything going on over the past 3 months hubby and I forgot to give her her pills – Molly has been leaking on her doggie bed. No big deal right? Just wash her doggie bed and give the dog her hormone pills. It’s not so simple because her pee spots are tainted red – she has blood in her urine. Yesterday and today I took her out for a run and when she peed on the grass her pee was dark red – almost pure blood. Molly’s kidney’s are failing and because of our car expenses we’re not sure what to do – we can barely afford a regular physical for her, never mind extensive tests, medications, surgery or even euthanasia for her. Hubby is bringing her to the vet tonight at 5 pm.

With worrying about my MIL, the dog, our cars and the normal Christmas stresses of cleaning, baking and wrapping I’ve been an emotional eating mess. I ate ALL the chocolate turtles + 2 other boxes of chocolate – arrgh! Yesterday and today I tried to redeem myself by running. According to my Nike + I ran 3.93km yesterday and 3.75km today (though both days I ran the exact same route).

Tomorrow (or tonight) we hope to pack up the car to head to trek up to Ottawa to see my MIL for Christmas. Though with everything going on it would make more sense to stay home with the sick dog, I just couldn’t live with myself if she took a bad turn and we missed out on seeing her at Christmas. I’m going to bring my running gear and try to eat as healthy as possible – though that’s always hard when being away from home. Here’s to a better week next week!

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