Category Archives: Depression

Sorting Myself Out

I don’t even know where to start with this post. What I do know is that I have a ton of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head about yesterday’s very heartfelt and honest post – this post may be a an extention of that one so read on if you dare….

When my hubby travels I miss him – I miss him so much that I mourn him. Apparently I love him very very much. I say apparently because when he’s around I don’t really notice how much I love him, but when he’s gone I do notice. It’s really the only way to explain how down in the dumps I feel when he’s away. It’s funny that way isn’t it? When our hubbies are around we hate them for being so lazy, unhelpful etc… but when they’re gone you truly figure out how helpful they are and how much you miss their companionship.

Yeah so that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I’m in mourning.

Everyone thinks I need help with the kids. But really they’re awesome – totally awesome. They are so used to my hubby’s travelling that they are very helpful. Yes – they’re a lot of work, but we’re so settled into a routine that looking after them is the easy part. Dealing with the loneliness, mourning and feelings of being abandoned is the hard part. That’s the part that no one understands. Dinners are when I feel the most low. It’s so hard to eat a third meal in the day without adult campanionship. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because before kids and before my hubby started travelling a lot he and I bonded quite a bit over our dinners out? (I really wish we had saved that money instead but hindsight is twenty-twenty now isn’t it?). Not having any free time to explore my hobbies (running, fitness, scrapbooking, shopping) is also hard. So the combination of stress, loneliness and lack of free time turns my brain to grey cloudy skies.

It’s the clouds that keep me from reaching out. They interfere with rational thought processes. I really don’t know how to ask for help because I don’t need someone to pick up milk, go get gas for my car or anything. I need someone to be my friend. Yanno – randomly stop by to say “Hi” with chocolate of course because a good friend knows that chocolate cake, or chocolate chip cookies makes everything better.

I’m slowly sorting myself out.. Doing stuff to help myself, yanno? Doing the stuff that would make me forget about being lonely when the hubs is away. Joining clubs and getting into a regular routine. Spending an evening/week doing something for myself and hiring a babysitter to watch the kids when the hubs is away. I think that’ll help. I’ll feel better in so many ways… I’m thinking of getting a treadmill, and training for a half marathon with a Running Room training clinic. I’ve already done a ridiculous number of half marathons so I totally know what I’m getting myself into.

Sigh – this stuff is so hard. Loneliness is hard. I love my girls but they’re still little – not really best friend material…. yet. I know they will be one day, but for now I’m their mother.

This Life Sucks

I have a million titles for this blog post:

  • The World Can Suck It
  • Eat Shit & Die
  • Fuck the Hell Off and Leave Me the Fuck Alone

(Ok, maybe just three other titles, not a million). You get the point.

I’m done with my hubby travelling all the time for work. Actually – no – that part is ok. That’s not what really bothers me. What really bothers me are all the people who say “I don’t know how you do it…” and leave it at that. Yeah, thanks – that’s helpful.

I just wish there were more resources for somewhat single parents like me whose spouses travel a lot for work. He travels so much it’s like having sole custody where he’s allowed periodic supervised visitation. He’s been gone 4 of the past 8 weeks, and the 4 weeks he was home he rarely made it home before 8 pm, worked from home after the kids went to bed and kicked me out of the basement for conference calls. He’s worn out from the work too – there’s nothing left of him to share with me after he gives everything he has to work and the kids.

I get the shaft and he gets recognition and rewards from work. He gets the hockey tickets, the pat on the back etc… He gets to eat in restaurants, he gets to eat exotic things I can’t even pronounce and see the world (or at least a lot of different airports). (Oh! Hi Hubby’s work who reads my blog). What the fuck do I get? A box of Macaroni and Cheese that I had to “cook” myself. Kids crying that they don’t want to eat, running around or sticking their fingers in my food. I’m the one picking up the pieces. Consoling sad kids because daddy isn’t there to play with them, tuck them in and cuddle. Being the one the kids yell at for daddy not being home because they really don’t have anyone else to yell at. I’m the one who’s responsible for making sure the kids wear their pj’s on jammie day, bring their silly hat to school and do their homework. I keep groceries in the house, plan the meals, feed the kids, dress them, chauffeur them to school, daycare, swimming etc….

I haven’t had vacation in a long time because I use it all to care for sick kids ’cause no one else is around to care for them. By the time Hubby’s work lets him take his vacation I have none left to spend with him. Not that it would matter because they take his vacation away from him anyways, so I’d just end up with a day by myself.

Nobody cares about me. No one comes over to see me. No one calls me to talk to me. No one takes me out for dinner, or offers to give me a break so I can go to the gym, run, or just fucking hide in a Starbuck’s with my laptop boyfriend. Anyone who calls wants to know how the kids are doing – they’re fine but I’m not and no one fucking cares. This life sucks. I don’t want to ask for help because that’s not the same as someone caring enough to offer. I want to feel special like someone gives a fucking damn about me. But they don’t. I hate this life. I hate everyone.  I feel abondoned and I’ve stopped reaching out because I keep hoping someone will reach out for me to show me they care. 

PS – Should I call my new blog Lazy Mama Fitness or Lazy Mama’s Guide to Fitness or The Lazy Mama’s Guide to Fitness?

How Do You Find Balance?

No – I don’t mean balance as in standing on one foot balance.  I mean Work/Life balance.  The balance between your job commitments and your life.  Life, yanno, as in the things you LIKE to do, not the stuff you’re paid to do.  How do you find balance between them?

It’s actually very important to take time for yourself every day.  In fact studies have shown that people who find balance between their work and their life sleep better, eat better and enjoy life more.  They have less stress – and having less stress means they live LONGER! 

This past weekend I found some time for my balance.   I took the kids to the park, spent some one-on-one time with my oldest daughter Sierra and I hung out with my BFF (sidekickgirl) at Donnie Wahlberg’s I GOT IT release party.  Here are some pics from the party:

DDub-Party-November-6-2009-003-150x150 donnie-movedtotears joemac
My BFF and I Donnie Wahlberg Joey McIntyre
(surprise guest)

It’s really important to your well being to take time to do stuff for yourself – so this week I encourage you to do something extra-special for yourself.