I don’t even know where to start with this post. What I do know is that I have a ton of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head about yesterday’s very heartfelt and honest post – this post may be a an extention of that one so read on if you dare….
When my hubby travels I miss him – I miss him so much that I mourn him. Apparently I love him very very much. I say apparently because when he’s around I don’t really notice how much I love him, but when he’s gone I do notice. It’s really the only way to explain how down in the dumps I feel when he’s away. It’s funny that way isn’t it? When our hubbies are around we hate them for being so lazy, unhelpful etc… but when they’re gone you truly figure out how helpful they are and how much you miss their companionship.
Yeah so that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I’m in mourning.
Everyone thinks I need help with the kids. But really they’re awesome – totally awesome. They are so used to my hubby’s travelling that they are very helpful. Yes – they’re a lot of work, but we’re so settled into a routine that looking after them is the easy part. Dealing with the loneliness, mourning and feelings of being abandoned is the hard part. That’s the part that no one understands. Dinners are when I feel the most low. It’s so hard to eat a third meal in the day without adult campanionship. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because before kids and before my hubby started travelling a lot he and I bonded quite a bit over our dinners out? (I really wish we had saved that money instead but hindsight is twenty-twenty now isn’t it?). Not having any free time to explore my hobbies (running, fitness, scrapbooking, shopping) is also hard. So the combination of stress, loneliness and lack of free time turns my brain to grey cloudy skies.
It’s the clouds that keep me from reaching out. They interfere with rational thought processes. I really don’t know how to ask for help because I don’t need someone to pick up milk, go get gas for my car or anything. I need someone to be my friend. Yanno – randomly stop by to say “Hi” with chocolate of course because a good friend knows that chocolate cake, or chocolate chip cookies makes everything better.
I’m slowly sorting myself out.. Doing stuff to help myself, yanno? Doing the stuff that would make me forget about being lonely when the hubs is away. Joining clubs and getting into a regular routine. Spending an evening/week doing something for myself and hiring a babysitter to watch the kids when the hubs is away. I think that’ll help. I’ll feel better in so many ways… I’m thinking of getting a treadmill, and training for a half marathon with a Running Room training clinic. I’ve already done a ridiculous number of half marathons so I totally know what I’m getting myself into.
Sigh – this stuff is so hard. Loneliness is hard. I love my girls but they’re still little – not really best friend material…. yet. I know they will be one day, but for now I’m their mother.